Between Space and Closeness
More and more often, I find myself thinking that perhaps I am not an incurable optimist after all. Maybe, for years, I was simply trying to put a name to something I didn’t fully understand myself. That part of me that can take joy in people, in conversations that stretch late into the night, in chance encounters, and in the feeling that somewhere, on the other side of someone’s presence, there is something good waiting to be found. But there is another part of me, too. Quiet, a little withdrawn, in need of a space where I don’t have to explain anything, prove anything, or even put anything into words. Maybe, then, I am not an incurable optimist. Maybe I am an ambivert who has been trying for a long time to find a connection between space and closeness. I like people. I really do. I like their stories, their gestures, their unfinished sentences, and those moments when a conversation suddenly turns to something meaningful, even though just a moment earlier we were laughing about the most ridiculous things. I like feeling that I am part of something bigger than myself. That I can tell someone about my day, listen to someone else’s worries, share my delight in a book, a film, or something as ordinary as the light streaming through a window at six in the evening. And then comes a moment when all I want is to return to myself. Not away from people. Not against them. Simply back to myself. To close the door, make a cup of tea, settle into an armchair, and spend a few hours without answering any questions. Not because I have nothing to say, but because there is so much inside me that I need silence to hear my own thoughts. I used to think it was a contradiction. That if I enjoyed company, I should want it more often. If I could be open and sociable, I shouldn’t suddenly need distance. If I missed people, I shouldn’t feel relieved when a cancelled plan gives me an unexpected evening all to myself. So sometimes I tried to fit into one version of myself or the other. The more outgoing one, who says, “Let’s go and see what happens,” and the one who would much rather stay home with a book, some music, and a cup of tea, allowing the world to carry on for a while without her participation. Except neither of them was any less real than the other. They had both lived inside me all along. Perhaps that is why I find it increasingly difficult to judge myself through the lens of simple definitions. Not everything has to be one thing or the other. I don’t have to choose between the need for solitude and the desire for connection. I don’t have to be constantly available to prove that I care. And I don’t have to disappear for days on end to reclaim the right to my own world. For a long time, I believed that if I could see the good in life, it meant I was an incurable optimist. That even after difficult experiences, I could still find a reason to smile, which must mean I belonged to those people who always saw the glass as half full. But today, I think it is a little more complicated than that. I don’t always believe that everything will turn out fine. Sometimes I feel tired, disappointed, uncertain. Sometimes I have no desire to search for meaning in what happens to me. At those times, I don’t need motivational quotes or assurances that every storm has something to teach me. I simply want to allow myself to have a bad day without having to turn it into a lesson. Perhaps my optimism isn’t about believing that life will always be kind to me. It is more about the fact that, despite everything, I don’t want to close myself off to what life might bring. Even if, sometimes, I need to retreat so that I can find the desire to step out and meet the world again. More and more, I think that growing up also means no longer treating yourself as a project that must be shaped into one final, definitive version. I don’t have to decide once and for all who I am. I can change depending on the day, on my experiences, on the people I meet, and on the people I happen to need a little less of at a given moment. Maybe I am simply learning to open doors when I genuinely want to walk through them, rather than because I am afraid someone might think I am absent or unavailable. And for the first time in my life, I don’t think I need to explain myself for it. There is room in me for solitude and space for another person. There is curiosity about the world and a need to shelter myself from its noise. There is the courage to form connections and a caution that reminds me not every bond has to last forever. There is hope, but not the kind that obscures reality. Rather, it is the quiet kind that allows me to try again, even when something didn’t work out the last time. Perhaps, then, I am not an incurable optimist after all. Perhaps I am simply a woman learning to understand her own rhythm. A woman who no longer wants to choose between the world and herself, between conversation and silence, between longing for others and needing room to breathe. A woman who is increasingly allowing herself to be different from one moment to the next, without treating every change in mood as proof that she doesn’t know what she wants. Because I think I do know. I want closeness that doesn’t take away my space. I want space that doesn’t condemn me to loneliness. I want people around whom I can be myself, even when this version of me has nothing interesting to say. I want to be able to retreat into the depths of my own world for a while and return without fearing that everything that matters will have fallen apart in my absence. I am no longer looking for balance in the sense of perfect order. I am looking for connection. The kind that allows me to be close without losing myself, and to be alone without losing touch with others. And if I sometimes still lose my way in the process, so be it. After all, even the most beautiful roads don’t always run straight. Perhaps it is enough to stop forcing myself to be someone more clearly defined than I really am. To accept that I can need people and, at the same time, need a break from them. To allow myself to miss someone without turning that longing into an obligation. To learn how to return to myself without feeling guilty, and to reach out to others without fearing that I will once again have to give something up. Increasingly, it seems to me that I am neither exclusively an introvert nor an extrovert who is constantly open to the world. I am somewhere in between. And perhaps this in-between is not a place where it is difficult to find your way. Perhaps it is a space where I can finally be whole. Not perfect. Not always certain. Not always cheerful. Simply myself. And I think that is what I have been searching for all this time-not a way to become more sociable or more independent, but a way of living in which I no longer have to choose between my need for closeness and my love of having space of my own. Because, after all, I can have both. I can open myself up to the world and then return to the quiet. I can love people and, at the same time, love the moments when I am alone with myself.I can be full of hope without being naive. And I can finally stop asking myself which version of me I should be more often. All I have to do is allow myself to be who I am. All of me.

Add comment
Comments
I wish there were more blogs like this !!!
These texts touch me...
I love this site for the beauty of words, messages and words that move you deeply. Thank you